On drugs

Premise

When people talk about or consume drugs, most likely alcohol since it’s readily available, I’m overcome by an uncomfortable, queasy feeling. A feeling that screams “get out of this situation now”, not quite fight-or-flight yet but an early stage for sure.

Fortunately, it’s not that hard for me to avoid situations that trigger this feeling. I rarely attend parties where drug use is a thing, my happy little friendship bubble is largely drug-free. So, I never questioned this feeling.

Part of my personal journey over the last 5 or so years is to learn why I exhibit certain behavior. Not necessarily to change who I am, but to better understand triggers that lead to that behavior. I can then anticipate situations and either prepare myself accordingly or avoid them altogether.

That’s why it’s important for me to do this reflection for the “drug” topic and explore the nebulous feeling of queasiness it creates. Certainly easier said than done, but thinking about this from a neurodiversity angle finally led me to a breakthrough.

Predictability

My brain really likes to precalculate situations. Sometimes I prepare whole dialogs in my head that I might have with other people, as if I’m rehearsing a stage play. Needless to say, the real-world interactions never went according to my internal script, but my brain just keeps on braining.

This also means that my brain seeks predictability in people’s behaviors, especially those I know well. When someone I’ve known for years or decades starts to behave unpredictably, not like they “normally” would, my brain is thrown off course.

You might already see where this is heading: Drugs make people unpredictable. One of the worst drugs, alcohol, produces all kinds of new behavior. People get aggressive, overly extroverted, talk unfiltered, inappropriately touch others. The list goes on.

And now to one of my worst nightmares: I’m a +1 to a party and don’t know most or all of the other attendees. Because I’m a strongly introverted person, the one I arrived with is automatically my go-to “confidant” (for lack of a better term). The one person I know I can go back to so I don’t just sit there in a corner by myself wondering why I’m even at this gathering.

As parties go, drugs are pulled out, likely alcohol. People get drunk or whatever and have their fun. I don’t take drugs at all, so I have to first go through the “why don’t you want to drink?”-inquisition. It’s annoying, but I can deal with that.

And now comes the part I’m deeply worried about. My confidant joins the drugging. They might not go all the way, maybe only a couple of drinks, but that’s enough. They will certainly become unpredictable for me. I’m fairly good at picking up slight deviations from “usual” behavior in others. They will cease being my confidant and start being just another party attendee.

This is the signal that I should remove myself from the situation, fast. If I stay, I’ll just build up anxiety to a point where a panic attack might follow.

Politics

I want to reiterate that I’m against prohibition. But I wish our society would be more conscious of neurodivergent people like me that might be deeply uncomfortable with drugs. This is a big issue in a country like Germany where alcohol consumption is fetishized to a worrying extent.

So, next time you’re at a party, think about and leave space for all the weird kids that don’t fit your “social norms”. And never ever try to push drugs onto someone. No means no.